“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.” - David Augsberger
Relationship is the heart of life and the centerpoint of being human.
We are always relating to ourselves, the world around us, and the people we encounter.
When we get opportunities to be in conversation with people, these are our chances to be present, to connect, to be curious, to give the precious gift of attention.
Sometimes this will be easy. When we are with people who are close to us, our dear friends, family, and community. There are those people who we trust and open ourselves to, the ones we laugh and cry with, the ones who hear us and hold us. We need those kinds of people in our lives. Even just one person like that is the balm for loneliness.
If we find ourselves without such a person the best path forward is to seek to be that kind of person for someone else. Find someone and listen to them with interest and attention, keep doing this. Relating is a practice and it flows toward love. If you feel adrift and alone and there is no one else to listen or to hear, close your eyes and breathe, and hear your own breath, feel your own heart, and notice the truth that every other person on earth is also breathing, and has a heart beating, and so many are feeling exactly what you are feeling, we are never really alone.
There will also be difficult people in our lives. We will have conflict. Those conflicts can take many forms, some will be small, some may be life altering. We may find ourselves in conflict with people close to us, or people we have never even met. We can be in conflict with individuals, with groups, with ourselves. Conflict is an inevitable part of relating. It calls for the same skill as relating with those we love.
Presence and listening.
If we truly want to resolve the conflicts in our lives we need the other to do that. We do not resolve a conflict on our own. Even conflicts within ourselves are much more successfully worked through when we share them with someone else who is present and listening with openness and compassion.
How do we listen to resolve conflict?
Both parties agree in advance to listen with presence and openness. The following are some things that could be included.
- Open to compassion. Try to imagine their view of things.
- Breathe. Breathing keeps us calm and centered.
- Commit to listening fully. Do not formulate your response while the other person is speaking.
- Reflect back what they have said to you and ask if that is what they said.
- Ask open ended follow up questions that help you understand more about them.
- Listen and explore for areas of common interest.
Some conflicts will be harder to resolve than others, and resolution doesn’t always mean that the relationship is mended, sometimes it means getting closure and letting go.
Some conflicts can be resolved in one conversation and some will require many meetings over a period of time.
No matter the form or intensity of the conflict, the most powerful skill we can grow to meet and release them is listening. Even in the most difficult conflicts, when we bring in listening, we bring in love.