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Jean Skeels

Author: Jean Skeels

Compassion in Conflict

Posted on by Jean Skeels

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.” - Max Lucado


I became a mediator, because as a person who has been constantly confronted by conflict within myself and with others, and lacking in ability to handle conflict without deep wounding and spirals of anxiety and depression as a result, I decided this is work I needed to step into.


What I have learned is most important, the essential ingredient in conflict resolution, is compassion. Cultivating a strong muscle of compassion for ourselves and others is the best foundation for successfully navigating conflicts of all kinds. 


Separating the incidents and issues from the human beings involved in upsets, hurts, and differences of viewpoints is often the first and most difficult step in any effort to move toward a truce, and hopefully toward peace.


Renowned conflict negotiator William Ury, in his book “Getting to Yes” states, “ Put yourself in their shoes. How you see the world depends on where you sit. People tend to see what they want to see…They may well believe that their views are as “right” as strongly as you believe yours are.” He talks extensively in the first chapter of his book on separating the people from the problem. 


It may be very difficult to set down our anger and judgment when we find ourselves at odds and perhaps insulted or injured by another person or people, but taking time to pause and do our best to remember that these are also people with their own perspectives, experiences, and feelings is the entry point to the path to resolving and hopefully healing the conflict. 


A mediator I work with recently said, “ When I am mediating I always try to remember to set myself at the intersection of humility and compassion.”  I think those are also wise words for when we are the ones in the conflict as well.


Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional. Compassion is the key.


You can learn more about relationships, boundaries, and tools for developing compassion in my book “Before You Go”, available at Jean Skeels – Empowerment Authenticity Growth.



Spring Cleaning

Posted on by Jean Skeels

We often think of Spring as a time to renew and refresh. We open the windows to let fresh air and sunlight in. We go through our spaces cleaning out and letting go of things we no longer need We scrub out the dust and dirt that may have accumulated throughout, and in the corners and crevices we don’t  often pay attention to, 


We can do this same process for our internal world as well. 


We can consider and adjust our care and nourishment of our bodies. Cleaning up our diets, hydrating more consciously, getting outdoors to move, breathe, and receive the warming sun.


We can use the spring energy to clean up our minds and release limiting thoughts, beliefs, and stories, creating new clean spaces to grow new dreams, open to possibility, and plant seeds to grow. 


We can enter our hearts and let light come in that illuminates our whole beings anew. We gently clean out the hurts and hardships that may be needing our loving attention. We reaffirm our love for ourselves and extend that revitalized energy out into our relationships and the world as we move through it. 
You can learn more about living a balanced and inspired life in my book, Before You Go. 


Root to Rise

Posted on by Jean Skeels

Root to Rise


Now is a good time to consider how your foundation of self care and nourishment is doing? Plants are growing in this new season and they remind us that it is essential to have good roots, and to put our roots into good soil. 


If the soil you are in is not vital and secure, if it doesn’t have the richness and depth you need to fully rise and grow, perhaps it is time to consider how to enhance your root environment or maybe even go for a total change and transplant yourself into a totally new foundation. 


Our roots are connected to the basics of our well being, think about food and exercise, the relationships that affect us most, our physical environment, Spring cleaning of our homes is a great way to make for healthier roots. Most importantly the inner environment of our emotions, our thoughts, our beliefs and dialogue with ourselves deserves some attention. Are you kind and nurturing to yourself or is there a need for some remediation of the ground of your mind and heart? 


I love this poem by Rumi as a prayerful reminder of this rooting into our own Self, that big self of our true spirit.


The Root of the Root of Yourself


Don’t go away, come near.
Don’t be faithless, be faithful.
Find the antidote in the venom.
Come to the root of the root of yourself.

Molded of clay, yet kneaded
from the substance of certainty,
a guard at the Treasury of Holy Light —
come, return to the root of the root of your Self.

Once you get hold of selflessness,
You’ll be dragged from your ego
and freed from many traps.
Come, return to the root of the root of your Self.

You are born from the children of God’s creation,
but you have fixed your sight too low.
How can you be happy?
Come, return to the root of the root of your Self.

You were born from a ray of God’s majesty
and have the blessings of a good star.
Why suffer at the hands of things that don’t exist?
Come, return to the root of the root of your Self.

You are a ruby embedded in granite.
How long will you pretend it’s not true?
We can see it in your eyes.
Come to the root of the root of your Self.

You came here from the presence of that fine Friend,
a little drunk, but gentle, stealing our hearts
with that look so full of fire; so,
come, return to the root of the root of your Self.


The Return of Spring

Posted on by Jean Skeels

Spring has arrived and it marks the return of the light as days grow longer than night. Birds return to places like where I live, trees begin to bud, plants get ready to emerge from the ground. All of life begins to yawn, stretch, and awaken. Everything is returning and rising.


Spring can be like that for us as well. It is a beautiful time to consider Spring season energy for our lives; return, reemerge, reclaim, refresh, rediscover. There are so many ‘re’ words that invite us to grow and become even more of who we are meant to be. 


One powerful line that comes from a teacher in my lineage of Kripalu Yoga is, “Remain established in the third eye and remember who you are.”


This simply means to center yourself in your own inner wisdom and higher being, that connects you to the true self that you always have been, In that sense we don’t have to be different we only have to remember and return to that deeper true self that is always there waiting to be returned to and reclaimed.  



Focus on yourself by following the guided mediation on Impermanence on page 37 of my book Before You Go.

The Hardest Yoga Practice

Posted on by Jean Skeels

"Your right is to perform your duty only, but never to its fruits. Let not the fruits of action be your motive, nor let your attachment be to inaction." - Bhagavad Gita


While many people think of yoga as a kind of exercise practice that involves stretching and perhaps some strengthening, it is in its most authentic form a practice of spiritual development.


The Bhagavad Gita is one of the perennial texts of yoga philosophy. One of its central teachings is the yogic discipline of nonattachment. It asks us to become people of service and to perform our actions in life free from any expectations of results or attachment to outcomes. 


This is an extraordinary feat to accomplish. We are immersed in a culture that values outcomes over everything. Pause to think about your relationship to actions and outcomes. 


I think most of us will be shocked at how attached we are, how fragile our egos are, and how much we hunger for validation in so many ways, whether its money, status, attention, accolades, social climbing, physical prowess… so many things drive us. 


We need to be realistic about how deeply we can commit to a practice of nonattachment. The ancient yogis lived monastic lives and were completely dedicated to spiritual life. So while we certainly can work to be more selfless and mindful of our attachments and expectations, we should do so with a generous amount of self-forgiveness and space for the reality of the lives we are living. Finding a middle road on things is also a very yogic principle to take on. 

Perhaps think of one area where you could start a practice of nonattachment. It could be in relationships, at work, with yourself, or a variety of other areas. Just pick one and add compassion and gratitude to the practice. 


Your Place of Power

Posted on by Jean Skeels

With so much noise in the world about what is happening in our country, our communities, our relationships with each other, and often our relationship with ourselves, it is important to pause and anchor into the place where we have power, and the person we have power over. 


The singular answer to this is ourselves. 


No matter what tactics or persuasive tools we might use when confronted with difficult situations and conflicts in relationships the one person we control is ourselves. 


The most important question to ask ourselves in all situations both within ourselves and with others is, “What do I really want?”


If you could create an ideal outcome when dealing with difficulties both internal and external, what would it be, and how will you get there?


How might you relate with yourself and others to achieve that goal?


Your strategy may get you to that outcome, or perhaps it won’t, but you will have engaged with it from a place of integrity and confidence instead of an attempt to coerce or control another or treating yourself in an unkind and self defeating manner. 


We are never powerless in any situation, but the limits of our power reside within ourselves, our choices, and our actions.

The First Line is the Foundation

Posted on by Jean Skeels

In the study of great literary works there is a popular premise that a great first line is critically important and sets the tone for a whole book. 


The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali are one of the great works of yoga philosophy and are foundational to all practices that we call Yoga. 


The first line of these sutras brilliantly points us to the very heart of what yoga truly is, which is not a quest for super flexibility and physical prowess. It is something both more simple and paradoxically more complex than that.


The first line of the Yoga Sutras is “Atha Yoganusasanam,” which in my tradition of Kripalu Yoga we translate as “Now, the inquiry of Yoga.”


This short statement holds a lot of meaning and instruction.


The very first word, now, tells us to become conscious and rooted in the present moment. When we direct our attention to this moment, so much of our illusions, distractions, and obstacles immediately dissolve, because they are either memories of the past or imaginations of the future. Nothing real ever happens in the past or the future. The present moment is the only moment and yoga draws toward that truth. This intention sounds simple, be present and in this moment, but when we practice it we will discover how challenging that really is!


The next word inquiry describes the quality of awareness we are called to bring to this moment. Yoga intends to create a nonjudgmental awareness, or witness consciousness. This state is one where we are open and curious, where we are not grasping anything or pushing anything away. Inquiry is a state of relaxed interest, where we observe sensations, thoughts, emotions, and any state that moves through us with a kind of loving wonder. In fact Swami Kripalu said, “The highest form of spiritual practice is self-observation without judgment.” This inquiry is active, it is call to practice, and those practices can be varied, but all of them are rooted in this quest to become present and conscious. 


You can begin to practice in any moment by directing your attention to this moment in your body, your breath, your mind, your spirit. Come home to the power and peace that this moment has to offer. 


Namaste.


If you are looking to go deeper in this inquiry, let my book Before You Go be your guide.  

Center of Gravity

Posted on by Jean Skeels

What energy and qualities do we place at the center of our way of being and living day to day?


Our bodies have a physical center of gravity, defined as the point in your body where its mass is concentrated, and the point where the entire body is in balance in reference to gravity. This center affects our posture and how we carry ourselves, and it shifts to accommodate our different movements and orientations in our bodies. 


I think we also have an emotional and spiritual center of gravity, and the amazing thing with this center of gravity is we have a lot of power to choose it and change it. 


For example, do you choose to put gratitude or grievance more at the center of your emotional and spiritual life? 


We all will experience grievance, when things don’t go the way we wanted them to, there is trouble in a relationship, or there is a loss we are grappling with, but we choose whether we put those things at the center of our awareness as a pattern or if we meet those things and move back to gratitude for what is good and beautiful in our lives. 


There will always be problems and difficulties to deal with, and there will always be blessings and goodness. 


Where do you want your center of gravity to be?


You are empowered to choose and that is no small thing. 



If you are looking to go deeper in this inquiry, let my book Before You Go be your guide.  

Grief for Those Not Gone

Posted on by Jean Skeels

Grief is something we will experience because of many kinds of losses, not just when someone dies.


We might be grieving someone who is still here, but the relationship has ended. These losses can be very painful as they usually involve conflict and hurt. For some reason either one or both parties decided to walk away from the relationship. There are issues of betrayal, abandonment, confusion, and heartbreak, along with so many emotions that might be part of grieving these losses, and it may go on for an extended period of time.The grief may reemerge if we have to be in contact with the person or if we hear about them from others.  The wound might get activated and reopened by a variety of circumstances. Other people may be entangled in what has happened and loyalties and trust in other relationships may be affected. 


There are so many things that can make these kinds of losses so difficult to heal from. 


It is important to validate that this is an experience of grief and loss even if we are the one that has walked away and decided to change or end the relationship. It is very helpful to have a trusted person to talk to about what we are experiencing and feeling, a friend, a coach, a therapist or other person who we feel confident can listen and support us. 


Taking responsibility for our part in what happened in the relationship and making amends for  hurt we may have contributed, and making space for the other person to do the same, if and when they show up to do so is vital to moving on. If contact with that person is not possible then writing a letter to them is one way to get closure.


Writing down our feelings or finding other ways to creatively express ourselves can help to process and move through the ups and downs of grief. Grief is not linear and so learning how to move with its way of coming and going, shifting and changing is very helpful in understanding and supporting ourselves. 


Vigorous exercise, dance, martial arts, as well as anything that gets us outside and in nature can help to shift our mood and increase our sense of empowerment and lift our spirits. 


Yoga and meditation practices can be centering and renewing when we are having a difficult time.


Self care is always a priority, but especially when we are feeling down. It can be hard to find the energy to do the things we know are good for us, so this is another thing to find a friend or group to help us stay motivated and show up for ourselves. 


Opening to the present moment and inviting gratitude and grace into our hearts is always a powerful medicine for our hardships and losses. 


Above all, allow time and space for processing with deep compassion for yourself, hold healthy boundaries, feel the feelings as they show up, and connect to all the support inside and with others that is available.



Listening is Medicine

Posted on by Jean Skeels

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.” - David Augsberger


Relationship is the heart of life and the centerpoint of being human. 


We are always relating to ourselves, the world around us, and the people we encounter.


When we get opportunities to be in conversation with people, these are our chances to be present, to connect, to be curious, to give the precious gift of attention. 


Sometimes this will be easy. When we are with people who are close to us, our dear friends, family, and community. There are those people who we trust and open ourselves to, the ones we laugh and cry with, the ones who hear us and hold us. We need those kinds of people in our lives. Even just one person like that is the balm for loneliness.


If we find ourselves without such a person the best path forward is to seek to be that kind of person for someone else. Find someone and listen to them with interest and attention, keep doing this. Relating is a practice and it flows toward love. If you feel adrift and alone and there is no one else to listen or to hear, close your eyes and breathe, and hear your own breath, feel your own heart, and notice the truth that every other person on earth is also breathing, and has a heart beating, and so many are feeling exactly what you are feeling, we are never really alone.


There will also be difficult people in our lives. We will have conflict. Those conflicts can take many forms, some will be small, some may be life altering. We may find ourselves in conflict with people close to us, or people we have never even met. We can be in conflict with individuals, with groups, with ourselves. Conflict is an inevitable part of relating. It calls for the same skill as relating with those we love. 

Presence and listening.


If we truly want to resolve the conflicts in our lives we need the other to do that. We do not resolve a conflict on our own. Even conflicts within ourselves are much more successfully worked through when we share them with someone else who is present and listening with openness and compassion. 


How do we listen to resolve conflict?


Both parties agree in advance to listen with presence and openness. The following are some things that could be included.


- Open to compassion. Try to imagine their view of things.

- Breathe. Breathing keeps us calm and centered.

- Commit to listening fully. Do not formulate your response while the other person is speaking.

- Reflect back what they have said to you and ask if that is what they said. 

- Ask open ended follow up questions that help you understand more about them. 

- Listen and explore for areas of common interest.


Some conflicts will be harder to resolve than others, and resolution doesn’t always mean that the relationship is mended, sometimes it means getting closure and letting go. 


Some conflicts can be resolved in one conversation and some will require many meetings over a period of time. 


No matter the form or intensity of the conflict, the most powerful skill we can grow to meet and release them is listening. Even in the most difficult conflicts, when we bring in listening, we bring in love.